Author's Note: This is a dramatic story written to show the effect suicide has on the people left behind. I wanted to show that the true victims of such a tragic death are not the ones who commit the act, but their families and friends.. Anger and isolation are the legacy that is handed down to the survivors along with various questions and self doubt. The experience of losing a loved one due to such a selfish act is unlike any other and is very difficult to explain. There is never a justification for the death and no time to say good-bye. The survivors are made to feel that they must hide the truth concerning the type of death that occurred because of a medieval prejudice that still persists even today. They are made to feel by others that they are now contaminated because of their association with someone who committed suicide. The grieving period takes longer than a normal death sometimes lasting many years. The survivor's life does go on, but is forever changed. The anger lessens, but is always there as is the isolation they feel. Survivors are a unique breed, they must suffer in silence and face a future that can only be compared to being sentenced to life in prison with no parole.
This story is dedicated to all the survivors of suicide and to a young man who's EMS training was not enough to help a friend, but who made sure the last sound that was heard was a friendly voice.
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LIFE…WITH NO PAROLE
by: Betsy Harbin
May 20th, 1972 11:30 PM
"Want to get some coffee?" Roy asked as he finished backing the squad into the engine bay.
"Yeah. Sure." Johnny answered curtly as he jotted down some notes in his notebook.
It had been this way all day with Johnny. He was even moodier than usual and
Roy was having a hard time figuring out why. In his mind Roy ran over the events of the day and decided that it wasn't any of the calls that had aggravated his partner. They were all pretty routine and dull. It occurred to Roy that Johnny was in a bad frame of mind when he had come in to work that morning.
"Hey Johnny, you know…whatever it is that's bothering you can tell me." offered Roy.
"No. I can't," Johnny stated coldly as he placed the notebook in his right hand shirt pocket and left the squad slamming the door behind him.
Roy was too startled by Johnny's reaction to even reply. He left the squad and followed Johnny to the community room. Captain Stanley was sitting at the table drinking some coffee while reading a magazine as Marco and Chet watched a B. Horror movie on television. Mike Stoker was busy doing the dinner dishes. Johnny headed for the stove and poured himself a cup of coffee.
"Hey Gage come watch Frankenstein Meets the Mummy God with us!" invited Chet. "It's an all time classic."
"I'm not interested," Johnny replied.
"Since when?" Chet persisted. "We always watch horror movies together."
"Only because you never give anyone else a choice. Everything has to be your way! Maybe just once I'd like to watch a western or a musical or maybe nothing at all!" Johnny snapped back angrily.
"Geez! You've got a real attitude problem today don't you." remarked Chet sarcastically.
"Hey take it easy John. If you don't want to watch the movie then don't watch the movie. Just cool it will you." Captain Stanley added.
"Here's a news flash for you, this isn't going away anytime soon. I plan on being in a bad mood today and I plan on it tomorrow. We'll see about the day after that." concluded Johnny firmly as he pushed past Roy and headed for the engine bay.
Chet, Marco, Captain Stanley and Mike all looked at Roy questionably.
"What's up with him?" asked Marco.
"Yeah. I don't recall the last time I've seen Gage so uptight about something." commented Chet.
"So what's the problem Roy?" Captain Stanley asked.
"I have no idea." Roy admitted matter of factly. "I've tried to ask him, but he just snaps at me."
"You want me talk to him?" asked Captain Stanley.
"Thanks, but I don't think that's going to accomplish anything. You heard the man, he plans on being like this for awhile." stated Roy. "I think we should just leave him alone."
"What's so special about today and tomorrow?" asked Chet.
Roy shrugged his shoulders helplessly. "I don't know."
Johnny ambled outside to the rear of the station. He leaned back against the wall of the station and took a sip of his coffee as he stared off silently into space. "Funny how fast everyone forgets." he thought to himself. "Of all the people Roy…my best friend should have know what this day meant. After all he was there." Johnny was beginning to resent Captain Stanley for not letting him take this day and the next off. "I really should not be here. I'm not going to be any good to anybody." he thought to himself. "And the worst part is that I can't explain it to anyone because they just don't care." he silently concluded as the warm spring breeze past over him.
May 20th ,1970 10:40 PM
Johnny was tense and irritable. His vacation had not turned out as planned. He had taken two weeks off and headed for the mountains. Spring was arriving and nature was just waking up. Johnny had hoped to get some photographs of the trees blooming and the wild life that was just emerging from it's winter sleep along with some sunset shots. Instead what he got was wet. An unexpected storm system passed through the area causing flash flooding which block the only way in or out. The calm, peaceful commune with nature Johnny had so longed for turned into a week of sitting in a tent which took on water faster than the Titanic eating cold canned beans. Once the way was clear and he was allowed to leave Johnny headed back for the city. His goal was a good meal, a hot bath and a nice soft bed.
The Corner Bar was a small family owned establishment a few blocks from Johnny's apartment. He certainly was not what would be considered a regular customer, but Johnny had been in the bar enough to know the owner, some of the various bar maids and most of the clientele. Besides the friendly people the bar served some of the best home cooked food Johnny had ever tasted. Visions of a fat juicy steak with potatoes danced through his head as he headed into the bar.
"Well look what the cat dragged in!" exclaimed Cynthia the barmaid as Johnny wearily sat down on one of the stools in front of her. "You look horrible! I thought camping was supposed to be relaxing. So did you see any animals?"
"Only the ones headed in pairs for the Arc. I had to fight a pair of chipmunks for the last seat." Johnny quipped.
"Oh, so you were one of the unlucky folks to be in the middle of that rain." Cynthia stated.
"Yeah, you could say that. Didn't you get anything here?"
Cynthia shook her head, "Nope. It was nice bright and sunny. My husband and I even had a picnic over the weekend."
Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "That figures." he stated dryly.
"I'll bet you a beer and a good dinner will take your mind off your trip." suggested Cynthia.
"I'm certainly willing to give that remedy a try. One draft and one steak dinner well done."
"Coming right up."
Cynthia poured the beer and slid it across the bar to Johnny. He took a drink and leaned back in his seat.
Bill Galloway the bar owner came out from the kitchen and sat down next to Johnny.
"Well if it isn't nature boy back from the great outdoors!" teased Bill. "How was your vacation?"
"Lousy. I hope I never see water or mud ever again." replied Johnny.
"Yeah, I heard about that bad storm you had up there. You should've stayed home."
"I'm beginning to realize that."
Johnny noticed the beer that Bill had been drinking. "Hey Bill what's with that stuff?" he asked as he pointed to the glass.
"Now don't you start with me young fella. I've been drinking since before you were born and I have no intention of quitting now."
"Yeah, well diabetes and alcohol don't mix and I'd kinda like not to scrape you off the street again." Johnny replied.
"Eh!" replied Bill as he waved Johnny's comment aside. "Alcohol or no alcohol it's all the same. If this disease wants me it'll get me."
Johnny shook his head in disbelief. He wanted to argue the point with Bill, but he knew better. Bill was a World War two veteran who served in some of the toughest campaigns of the war. He was tough and there was no arguing with him when he thought he was right. Cynthia returned and placed a plate in front of Johnny along with some utensils.
"Here you go, the house special." she stated.
"Ummmm! That looks delicious." commented Johnny as he began to cut the meat.
"Just let me know if you need anything else."
Johnny dug into his food and devoured every last bite within record time. Cynthia returned to Johnny and looked at the plate in surprise.
"Wow! Either I'm a better cook than I thought or you were starving." she teased.
"A little of both." remarked Johnny.
"Want a refill on that beer?"
"Don't mind if I do." Johnny slid the empty glass and plate across the bar to her. Cynthia collected the dishes and refilled the glass.
He noticed that his long time friend Don Halloran had entered and took his usual place at the corner of the bar. It had been a few months since Johnny had last seen Don and he noticed how tired the older man looked. Another thing that caught Johnny's attention was the fact that Don had ordered a beer and took a drink. Johnny found this to be out of character. Don had developed a heart problem a few years earlier and as a result had given up drinking. Currently whenever he stopped in he ordered coffee or Ginger Ale.
"Hey Don, what's up?" Johnny asked as he casually eyed Don's glass.
Don glanced over at Johnny. "Hey Johnny! You look like you've been rode hard and put away wet." Don commented as he took another drink of his beer.
"You're right on the wet part." laughed Johnny. "So how's everything going? How's Jean?"
"She's fine. Still working the night shift."
"Must be tough. When do you guys get to see each other?"
"Whenever we can. As a matter of fact I talked to her before she left for work and made plans to meet her for breakfast in the morning. By the way Linda told me the next time I seen you to tell you she said "hi" and to call her sometime."
Linda was Don's daughter and Johnny's best friend from childhood. He had not seen her since high school graduation when he decided to move to LA to become a fireman while Linda stayed back in Montana to go to College. For awhile Linda and Johnny corresponded and she had informed him that her father had lost his job and that her parents were moving to California in the hopes of finding something better. The Halloran's had been very good to him after his parents had died and unofficially adopted him making him a member of the family When Jean and Don moved Johnny felt it was only right to repay their kindness. He helped them to find an affordable place to live and assisted the family anyway he could. After college Linda joined her family and had been living in the area ever since. Every time Johnny spoke with Don, Linda had the same message and Johnny really did want to see her again, but their work schedules never allowed for a meeting.
"How's she doing?" Johnny asked.
"Not bad. She's working at trucking company now in the office and still baby-sitting at night."
"What's with that girl?! She changes jobs like people change their underwear.." Johnny laughed.
"She said she's trying to find herself…whatever that means." Don joked.
"Is she still writing for that newspaper? I haven't seen any of her articles lately."
"When time allows. That's about the only thing she stayed with."
"Give her time, she'll find something that makes her happy eventually." stated Johnny.
"In the meantime her mother just wishes she'd move out on her own. Her philosophy is that Linda could find herself better if she lived on her own." Don took another drink of his beer then looked at Johnny with a serious look on his face. His eyes had become dark and cold. "Johnny I need to ask you something."
Johnny noticed the sudden change in his friend's demeanor and became very concerned.
"Don you know you can talk to me about anything. What's wrong?"
"I'm in trouble and I need help."
Johnny studied the older man for a moment in shock. He had known Don since he was six years old and in all the years that had passed he had never seen his friend this worried and scared. Don was not the type of person who would come right out and ask for help. He was a proud and independent man who preferred to solve problems on his own. Whatever troubled him had to be very serious. Johnny had opened his mouth to say something when Cynthia came over to Don.
"Hey Don, the ice machine is acting up again. Can you take a look at it?"
"Yeah." Stated Don as he finished his beer. He glanced at Johnny. "We'll talk later." Don headed around the bar and disappeared into the kitchen. Johnny looked at the empty glass next to him and silently wondered what it was that Don had wanted to ask him. Cynthia returned and removed the glass as she went to wait on another patron. Don returned a few moments later wiping his hands on a rag. Cynthia came back over and stopped to talk with him.
"So what's the verdict?" she asked.
"It needs some more Freon . I think there might be a leak somewhere. I'll come back tomorrow and check it out better and pump it up for you."
Looks like I need to make a run to the store for a bag of ice hunh?"
"I'd suggest it until I get that piece of junk running again." Laughed Don.
"You know "Fred Sanford" over there." Cynthia responded as she pointed to Bill. "Never buy anything new."
"I like to think of it as job security." Don commented with a sly grin. Cynthia and Don laughed.
"Hey! I need a refill down here!" called a patron from the far end of the bar. Cynthia looked at Don and Johnny and rolled her eyes.
"The natives are getting restless. I better go. See you tomorrow."
"Okay." Don answered.
Johnny noticed that the worry and fear that Don had exhibited before was now gone. He was torn between wanting to ask him what was bothering him or just dropping the subject altogether. Don made the decision for him as he soundly slapped Johnny on the back in a friendly manner.
"Well I better go. I need to get some sleep if I plan on making that breakfast date in the morning. Take care of yourself Johnny old boy."
" Alright." Johnny said. "Tell Jean I said "hello" and tell Linda I'll try to call her."
"Will do."
Don headed for the door. He stopped to talk with Bill along the way. Johnny turned around in his seat and stared at his beer. He realized that he had not gotten a chance to ask Don about the beer he was drinking. When he turned around in his seat again he saw Don and Bill standing in a semi darkened corner by the rest rooms at the back of the bar. Johnny saw Don take a large wad of money out of his pocket. He watched as his friend carefully counted out a specified amount and hand it to Bill. The Halloran's were not rich people. Both Don and Jean worked just to make ends meet. Don had always worked extra jobs under the table just so the family could have some extra spending money, but Johnny could not recall a time when he ever saw his friend with anything more than forty dollars in his pocket at one time. "Where in the world did Don get all that money?" he thought to himself. Don placed the rest of the money in his pocket, shook hands with Bill and left.
Johnny drained the last of his beer and aimlessly stared at the television set above the bar as he considered going after Don to talk to him. The eleven o'clock news broadcast was airing. There was some battle field shots flashing across the screen as the news caster commented on the days current fighting in Viet Nam . Someone put money in the juke box and Johnny Cash blared over the speakers singing Folsome Prison Blues. Cynthia came over to him and picked up his empty glass.
"Want another one?" she asked.
Johnny was just about to answer when another patron came running into the bar.
"Quick! Someone call the ambulance! There's a man hurt outside!" the man shouted hysterically.
Instinctively Johnny jumped up and ran to the man.
"I'm a paramedic." he stated as he showed the man his ID, "Where's the victim?"
"Outside."
"Okay, you show me" Johnny quickly scanned the area. He pointed to Bill. "Call the Fire Department. Tell them we need help here and that there's a paramedic on scene."
Bill nodded and headed for the phone while Johnny and the patron headed outside.
"What's your name?" inquired Johnny.
"Mark."
Okay…just calm down some Mark and tell me what happened?" Johnny instructed in a soothing voice.
"I don't know. I was just walking up this way…I only live a couple of houses away… when I heard someone one arguing. As I got closer I saw someone run into the shadows…then when I got to the parking lot I saw this guy slumped over in his car. I knocked on the window, but there was no response. "
The two men had reached the parking lot and Mark pointed to a late model car.
"He's in there. It looks like he had a heart attack or something." Mark offered.
"Okay. Just stay here and let me check it out."
Johnny headed for the passenger side door and tried to open it, but the door was locked. He then went around to the driver's side and tried the door there with better luck. Johnny yanked the door open and froze when he saw the unconscious body of Don Halloran slumped to the right. All the color drained from the young paramedics face as he stared at his friend.
"Is he going to be okay?" Johnny heard the man ask him.
"Um….I don't know. Why don't you wait for the ambulance alright?" Johnny suggested weakly.
"Alright." agreed Mark as he quickly headed for the street.
Finding himself alone Johnny forced himself to enter the car working on pure instinct. Concern was etched on his face as he checked Don's neck for a pulse. He closed his eyes and whispered a silent prayer of thanks when he found one. Then he quickly searched
the car and found a flashlight under the seat. He used the flashlight to check the pupils. He shook his head slightly in dismay when there was no response.
"Don…Don can you hear me? Don its Johnny Gage! Don where are you hurt?"
He knew there would be no reaction, but he had to try. Next Johnny looked for the source of the blood which was slowly trickling down the side of Don's face and the seat of the car. What he found was a small wound on Don's right temple.
"What the…?" Johnny asked himself out loud in shock.
He quickly looked around the front seat of the car for the source of the injury. Something in Don's right hand caught his eye.
"Oh no!" Johnny exclaimed in horrified disbelief. "Don you didn't?!"
Johnny looked at his friend with a mixture of fear and shock showing on his face. Then he reached over and gently removed the small caliber hand gun from Don's right hand. Johnny stared at the gun then at Don.
"Why?!" he shouted as he stared at Don. "Why?" Johnny wiped the uncontrolled tears from his eyes and tried to concentrate on taking care of his friend.
When the call came into the station that night Roy was sound asleep. He had been partnered with Craig Brice all week and the stress was getting to him. Sleep was his only escape from the by the book paramedic. Roy and Brice arrived at the scene two minutes after getting the call. The first thing Roy noticed was Johnny's ashen color and the shocked look on his face as he tended to the victim.
"Johnny what happened?!" Roy asked anxiously as he approached the younger man.
"Gunshot wound to the head. Pulse is weak, but steady. Respiration's about 20." Johnny answered in a robotic tone of voice.
"Johnny are you alright?" Roy asked his friend as he took Don's pulse.
"I'm fine. Just take care of him."
"Roy glanced at Johnny with a concerned look on his face. "Johnny what's wrong? "
"He's a friend of mine. Just help me take care of him."
"I don't think that's such a good idea Gage. You're too close to the case. DeSoto and I should take it from here." Brice stated coldly. Roy shot Brice an annoyed look. The man had absolutely no bed side manner what so ever.
Johnny shot Brice a cold hard angry look as Brice tried to move him out of the way. Johnny raised his fist and waved it in the paramedic's face.
"Get away from me Brice before I knock those glasses off your face." ordered Johnny angrily.
"Gage it's against regulations…." started Brice.
"Brice, leave him alone!" Roy stated firmly. "Go get the oxygen from the squad."
Brice shot Roy an annoyed look, but did as ordered.
"Thanks." Johnny said.
"Johnny are you sure you're okay to do this?" Roy asked with trepidation in his voice.
"I'm fine."
Roy set up the biophone as Johnny instinctively opened the drug box and grabbed the necessary supplies to start and IV.
"Rampart this is Squad 51…"
Dr. Brackett's voice responded over the radio, "Go ahead 51."
"Rampart we have a male victim approximately 50 years of age with a gunshot wound to the head. Pupils are fixed and dilated, respirations are 20 stand by for BP."
"Standing by Squad 51." Responded Dr. Brackett.
Johnny was just finishing taking Don's blood pressure when Brice returned with the oxygen. A crowd was forming of bar patrons and the police arrived on the scene and began questioning everyone.
"BP is 70 over 30." Johnny relayed to Roy.
"Rampart BP is 70 over 30." Roy informed the hospital.
"Administer 6 liters of oxygen and start an IV of D5W with lactated ringers." Dr. Barckett directed the paramedic. "Is the ambulance there yet?"
"Not yet." Roy answered.
"Alright. As soon as they get there transport immediately." ordered the doctor.
"10-4 Rampart." concluded Roy as he laid the phone down. Brice had started the oxygen while Johnny set to work on the IV.
Roy noticed that Johnny's hands were shaking. He reached for the IV supplies. "Let me do that." he offered calmly.
Johnny shot Roy an angry look. "I can do it." he stated curtly as he expertly started the IV.
Roy raised his hands in surrender and backed away slightly. The ambulance approached the scene. Roy and Johnny helped the attendants lift Don onto the gurney. As they loaded him into the ambulance Johnny climbed in behind him. Roy grabbed his arm and stopped him.
"Why don't you ride up front?" Roy asked with concern in his voice.
"No!" Johnny stated firmly. "I should be the one to ride with him. "
"Alright, but I'm going too." Stated Roy as he joined Johnny in the back of the ambulance as Brice handed in the equipment.
"Whatever. Just don't get in my way." ordered Johnny sternly.
Brice shut the doors and the ambulance took off.
Johnny waited outside the exam room pacing back and forth nervously. His face was etched with worry and concern. Roy was becoming worried about his friend. He had never seen his partner this upset before and it scared him. What scared him even more was the fact that he had no words to offer his friend. There was nothing he could say at the moment that would not sound trite and cliché'.
Dr. Brackett emerged from the exam room. Johnny looked at him questionably.
"Doc?" he asked his voice thick with worry.
Dr. Brackett looked the younger man in the eye. "We did all we could, but the bullet did too much damage." he stated softly. "Even if he had survived your friend would have been in a permanent vegetative state.
Johnny felt his legs go out from under him as he leaned against the wall for support. His mouth dropped open and a dazed look clouded his face. His left arm felt heavy as he raised it and glanced at his watch on his wrist noting the time.
"I'm sorry Johnny." the doctor apologized.
Johnny dropped his left hand and absently nodded his head as he stared blankly into space. "Doc…" he started weakly. Doctor Brackett waited for him to finish. Johnny forced himself to look at the doctor. "How are you going to list the cause of death?" he concluded.
Roy watched the exchange between the paramedic and the doctor in silent confusion.
"You were there. You tell me." stated Dr. Brackett.
Johnny was silent for a long time before he finally answered. "Accidental shooting."
Dr. Brackett nodded his head in understanding. "I'm going to tell the family now. Do you want to come with me in case they have any questions?" he asked.
"Doc…" Johnny hesitated for a moment. "Please…let me do it."
"Johnny I don't think you should. You're too emotionally involved already." replied the doctor.
A determined look shadowed the young mans face as he looked the doctor directly in the eye, "That's exactly why I should be the one to tell the family. I can find the right way to tell them because I was there and I know them."
Doctor Brackett looked to Roy for help, but Roy just shrugged his shoulders weakly and gave the him a helpless look.
"Alright. Dixie has them in the break room. It offered more privacy than the regular waiting room. Take your time."
Johnny nodded his head in comprehension and headed down the hallway. Roy watched in stunned silence as his partner disappeared around the corner. He looked at Doctor Brackett with a questioning look on his face.
"Doc…what just happened here?" Roy asked in confusion.
"Roy your friend is going to have a hard road to travel in the future. I just hope you can handle it." stated the doctor matter of factly.
Roy wanted to ask more questions but was interrupted when Brice came up behind him carrying a box under his arm.
"I got the supplies refilled. Let's go." Brice urged.
"I'd kinda like to stick around for a little bit. Johnny just lost his friend and he might need to talk to me or something."
"DeSoto, Gage is a big boy and he can handle his problems on his own. Now we're done with this call and we should go back to the station. We're not needed here any more."
Roy shot his temporary partner an annoyed look. "If I were to stick a needle in your vein would I get blood or ice water?" he snapped sarcastically.
"There's no need for sarcasm DeSoto and there is also no need to waste time baby-sitting Gage. Rules are rules and the rules state that once we are done with the hospital follow up we return to the station."
Roy felt the anger rise up inside him, but instead of arguing he followed Brice down the hall. "One of these days I'm going to shove that rule book of his where the sun doesn't shine." he thought to himself.
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May 21st, 1970 12:25 AM
Johnny stood outside the door of the break room and watched Jean Halloran and her daughter Linda as they sat close together on the couch holding onto each other's hands tightly. Neither one of them had changed since the last time he had seen them. Except now their faces were pinched with worry and concern. Johnny willed himself to enter the room. Linda and Jean looked up expectantly when they heard his footsteps.
It took Linda a moment to realize that the tall, thin, dark haired young man standing in front of her was her childhood friend. His hair was longer than she remembered and he was in desperate need of a shave. His clothes were disheveled and stained with mud and blood.
"Johnny?" Linda choked out hoarsely. "Are you the paramedic that the nurse said brought my dad in?"
Johnny nodded sullenly. "Yes." he answered. quietly.
Jean studied the young man's face, "Johnny what happened? Can we see him? Is he going to be okay. Johnny tell us what's going on!" she demanded to know.
Both women looked at Johnny questionably. He squatted down in front of them and took each of their hands into his. He found it very difficult to look them in the eyes.
"Don passed away from a single gun shot wound to the head at 12:15 AM." he choked out as he stared at the floor. Johnny felt the women's hands tensing under his. "He was alive when I found him. I….I rode with him in the ambulance and he was still holding his own. His heart stopped at one point and we had to shock him…he…um…" Johnny cleared his throat as he tried to rid the lump that was forming. "The doctors did all they could, but the bullet did too much damage. Even if he had made it through he would have been in permanent comma."
Johnny willed himself to look into the faces of the two women. Uncontrollable tears streamed down his face. Jean and Linda stared at him in shocked silence.
"He was never alone. I stayed with him the whole time. I thought he needed to hear a friendly voice." Johnny's emotions finally got the best of him and he broke down. "I'm so sorry." he sobbed. Linda and Jean each reached out and hugged the sobbing paramedic with their free arms.
Dixie came into the break room. Seeing the three huddled together and hearing the sobbing she tactfully cleared her throat to make her presence known. The three friends let go of each other and wiped their eyes as they looked over at the nurse.
"Excuse me. I just wanted to let you know that if you'd like you can see your husband Mrs. Halloran."
"Thank you." Jean said as she wiped her nose with a Kleenex. She looked at her daughter questionably. "Do you want to see daddy?"
Linda shook her head violently. "No. You go." Linda stated emphatically.
"Are you sure?" Jean asked.
"Yeah. I want to remember him the way I saw him last, alive, cutting the grass and playing with the dog. Not laying in some hospital room."
"Alright." Jean followed Dixie out of the room.
Johnny sat down on the couch next to Linda.
"Johnny…I have to ask you something and please don't be afraid to tell me the truth okay?"
"Okay."
"He shot himself didn't he?"
"Yes."
"You're absolutely positive it couldn't have been anybody else?"
"I'm positive. I took the gun out of his hand. I didn't tell the doctor that though. As far as the paper work goes it was an accident."
"Thank you." Linda stated quietly.
"For what?"
"For being there when my dad needed you and for trying"
"Linda why'd he do it?" he asked heavily.
Linda sighed as she answered, "I don't know and I don't care. At least he didn't take us with him "
Linda slouched back and stared off into space. Johnny could tell by the look on her face that there was more going on than Linda was letting on, but he did not feel that this was really the time to question her. He sat back also and put his arm around her shoulder and drew her closer to him. Linda wearily rested her head on his shoulder.
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May 23rd, 1970 11:00 AM
Johnny had only been back to work for two days, but that was long enough for Roy to notice a definite change in the younger man's personality. He had become withdrawn, even more high strung than normal and avoided all contact with his fellow firemen. In the field Johnny performed like a true professional, however once the job was done he retreated into his own little world. The only people Johnny seemed to communicate with was Don's daughter and his wife.
At the hospital the night of the shooting Roy surmised that something more than an accident had occurred and he informed his co-workers about his suspicions. Not wanting to upset Johnny any further and not really wanting to get into the issue the men had all agreed not to mention the incident at all. As far as the other's were concerned life was to go on as usual.
Johnny opened his locker and was hit with a water bomb. Chet emerged from behind the lockers and laughed hysterically as Johnny stared blankly at his drenched uniform pants.
"Hey Gage! I thought it was a rule that you had to be potty trained to be a firemen!" the smaller man laughed.
Johnny slowly raised his head and glared at the laughing firemen in front of him. Without warning Chet found himself pinned against the lockers with Johnny's left forearm pressing into his neck. He watched in shocked disbelief as Johnny pulled back his right fist. There was a murderous look in the paramedic's eyes and Chet became frightened.
"Johnny it was a joke!" Chet choked out defensively.
Roy entered the locker room just in time to see Johnny preparing to slam his fist into Chet's face.
"Johnny!!!!!" shouted Roy as he lunged and grabbed Johnny from behind pulling him away from Chet..
Roy positioned himself between Johnny and Chet making sure to keep Johnny at arms length. Chet rubbed his neck and looked at Johnny in shock.
"What is going on?!" Roy demanded to know as he looked from Johnny to Chet and back again.
"He tried to kill me!" exclaimed Chet.
"Look what he did to my uniform!" stated Johnny as he motioned to his pants. "I don't find this funny."
"Gage you need to lighten up some. I know you had a bad week, but get over it." Chet stated matter of factly. "Have a little fun will ya."
Johnny glared at Chet in utter disbelief. "Get over it?" he stated incredulously. "Get over it?" Johnny set his jaw and just nodded his head. "Alright. Fine. You want me to get over it, then just for you guys I'll get over it!" he angrily thought to himself.
Roy watched in shock as Johnny whipped a clean pair of pants out of his locker and slammed the door shut. He then stormed out of the locker room. Chet rubbed his neck as he approached Roy.
"What was that all about?" he rasped.
"I don't know." Roy stated dryly.
November 20th, 1971 12:55 PM
The tones sounded just as the men had sat down to lunch. Johnny dropped his spoon disgustedly into the bowl in front of him.
"I swear everyone in LA County has radar!" he growled in annoyance.
"Squad 51 unknown type rescue. 6598 Lincoln Place. Six…five…nine…eight Lincoln Place. Cross street Wilshire. Time out 1255.
Johnny and Roy jogged out to the squad as Captain Stanley confirmed the call.
"LA Station 51. KMG365.
He handed the address to Roy who then handed it to Johnny. The squad pulled out of the station with the lights and sirens going. Roy pulled to a stop in front of a condominium complex. As Johnny and Roy gathered the needed equipment from the equipment bay of the squad they were met by a pretty young brunet woman.
"Please hurry!"
Roy glanced over at the girl as he pulled out the drug box.
"Are you the one who called?" he asked.
"Yes. It's my room mate, Karen. She took some pills."
The two paramedics follow the girl into the furthest apartment.
"What kind of pills did she take?" asked Roy as he set the drug box down on an end table. The woman picked up a purse from the couch and pulled out a bottle which she handed to the paramedic.
"These."
Roy studied the bottle and showed it to Johnny. "Barbiturates. Just filled yesterday."
"That bottle's empty." Johnny exclaimed. He looked at the room mate questionably. "How long ago did she take these?!"
"I don't know. About five or ten minutes ago."
"Where is she?!" Johnny asked anxiously.
"In there." She pointed to a door off to the left. Johnny jogged quickly over to the door and shoved it open. Laying on a bed in a small crowded bed room is a very pretty young woman. The woman turns her head slowly and looks at the intruder.
"Are you Karen?" Johnny asked worriedly.
"Yeah. Who are you?" Karen asked groggily.
"My name's John Gage and I'm a paramedic. Your room mate asked me to help you." he replied calmly. Roy came up behind Johnny and looked over his partner's shoulder.
"Karen did you take all the pills in that bottle?" Johnny asked with concern in his voice.
"Yeah. Now go away!" Karen reached over to the night stand and picked up an alarm clock and threw it at the paramedics. Johnny and Roy ducked out of the room in the nick of time as the clock made contact with a mirror right behind where they had been standing.
"I better call Rampart." stated Roy as he opened the biophoine.
Johnny looked at the room mate questionably, "Does she have any family here?"
"No. We're stewardess and she's from Illinois I think."
"Has she been depressed lately about anything?"
"She broke up with her boyfriend last week, but I thought she was over that."
"Rampart this is Squad 51." Roy said into the phone.
"Go ahead Squad 51" came back Dr. Early's voice.
"Rampart we have a woman in her early 20's. She ingested 2,000 milligrams of barbiturates. She is currently conscious and responsive. She refuses treatment at this time…basically we don't have a patient. Please advise."
"51 there's nothing you can do until she passes out." responded the doctor.
An angry look crossed Johnny's face as he looked at Roy. "What?!" he asked with an agitated tone in his voice.
"10-4 Rampart." Roy dropped the receiver and looked at Johnny helplessly. "You heard the man. As long as she's conscious and coherent she's considered a reasonable adult who can make her own decisions."
"So we can't do anything?!" Johnny asked incredulously.
"Nope." Roy answered flatly.
"We could treat her though if she were considered incompetent right?" Johnny asked hopefully.
"Yeah. I guess."
"Well I say anyone who swallows a whole bottle of pills is pretty incompetent." Johnny quickly headed back toward the room. Roy grabbed his arm and stopped him.
"What are you doing?!"
Johnny glared at his partner. "You may be willing to stand around and watch that girl die, but I'm not!" he spat out angrily as he yanked his arm from Roy's grasp. He glanced at the room mate briefly. "Make some coffee." he ordered before disappearing into the bedroom.
Roy and the room mate exchanged glances for a moment. Karen was still laying on the bed staring blankly at the ceiling when Johnny crashed into the room unceremoniously. She turned and looked at him.
"I told you to go away." Karen stated groggily.
"I don't hear so well." Johnny stated matter of factly. He went around the bed and grabbed the girl by the shoulders.
"What are you doing?! I just want to go to sleep." protested Karen as she tried to roll onto her side and away from the persistent paramedic.
"Too bad. It's time to wake up." said Johnny as he pulled the girl off the bed. He put her right arm over his shoulders and firmly grasped her around the waist with his left arm.
"Leave me alone! Where are you taking me?!"
"For a much needed walk."
Johnny moved around the bed half dragging and half walking the girl. The room mate came in with a cup of coffee.
"Gale will you tell this pushy guy that I just need some sleep." whined Karen.
Johnny took the coffee from Gale with his free hand. He propped Karen against the wall and held the cup under her nose as he supported her with his body.
"Drink this!" he ordered.
Karen blearily looked at the cup and then looked at Johnny.
"It's black. I like cream and sugar." she weakly teased.
"You want it specially made go to a restaurant. " Johnny answered sarcastically.
"Karen do what he says" Gale requested with worry in her voice. "He's just trying to help you."
"I said drink this!" ordered Johnny as he forced the cup to her lips. Not having much choice Karen took a few sips.
"Good. Now let's walk some more." Johnny set the cup down on a dresser and resumed dragging the girl around the room again. Gale left the room and Roy entered.
"You know what you're doing is wrong. I have a right to make my own decisions." stated Karen.
"You lost that right when you took all those pills." answered Johnny angrily. "Why'd you do it?"
"I just wanted to sleep."
"Yeah, a good long sleep, like forever."
"Why not? Life sucks anyway. It's better to just go sleep and never wake up."
"Better for who? You? Your family?"
"For everyone."
"What about your family? They're in Illinois right?"
"Illinois?" Karen thought for a moment. "Yeah."
"Mom, dad, brother, sister?"
"No sister. Two brothers."
"Do you think they want to have you coming home in a box?"
"They don't care about me."
"I think they do. What about your friends?"
"Gale's my friend."
"Okay…don't you think Gale cares what happens to you?"
Karen did not answer. Johnny shook her as he kept walking.
"Karen!" he shouted. "Stay with me here! What about Gale. Don't you think she cares what happens to you?"
"Yeah. I guess."
Roy watched silently as Johnny again propped Karen against a wall and stuck the cup of coffee under her nose.
"Okay, coffee break. Drink."
Karen obiently drank some more of the coffee. After she finished Johnny again began the walk around the room.
"I'm so tired." Karen stated wearily. "Just let me lay down for a few moments." She tried to sit on the bed, but Johnny stopped her.
"No. You have to keep walking. Come on, tell me why your life is so terrible."
"Nobody loves me."
"Why do you say that? Because some guy dumped you?"
"Umhum." Karen responded as she nodded her head weakly.
Johnny looked over at Karen when he felt her suddenly go limp in his arm.
"Karen wake up!" he shouted as he gently, but firmly slapped her face. "Karen stay with me here! Come on!"
Slowly Karen regained consciousness. "I don't want to go to school today mom."
"Okay. No school."
Karen looked at Johnny for a moment in confusion before she finally recognized him.
"Oh it's you. Don't you have anything else better to do?"
"Not at the moment."
He kept walking the girl around the small room as Roy watched silently. According to the regulations they were not allowed to treat a patient with out their permission. Roy wanted to help the girl as much as Johnny did, but he did not want to put his career on the line. Johnny was breaking all the rules and there was nothing Roy could do to stop him without suffering bodily injury from his partner.
"You know Karen being dumped isn't the end of the world. I've been dumped a million times." Johnny stated.
Karen rolled her head to the right and looked at Johnny through dazed eyes.
"You? You've been dumped?"
"Yeah. It hurts for awhile, but then someone new comes along and you try again. You keep trying until you find the right person. You don't end your life over it."
"Maybe that works for you, but that's not me."
"Why not? You're pretty. I'm sure there's a thousand guys who would like to be your boyfriend.""
"Yeah. Right." Karen drawls sarcastically.
Johnny propped her against the wall again and put the cup under her nose.
"Drink."
Karen drank the coffee without argument. Gale entered the room. She looked at Roy with concern.
From: "Betsy Harbin" <blhkmg365@email.msn.com>
To: <kmg365@i-55.com>
Subject: Story to add to page
Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 19:59:23 -0400
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3110.3
"How is she?"
"Still alive."
Gale nodded her head. "I called her parents. They're catching the first plane out."
"I hope it's to visit her in the hospital and not for a funeral." commented Roy matter of factly.
"Me too." agreed Gale.
Johnny began walking Karen again. Gale picked up the cup and left the room.
"Karen I know a lot of single guys at Rampart General who would fight for the chance to go out with you. They're doctor's too."
"Yeah, I'll bet. You're trying to trick me aren't you?"
"No. I'm serious. All you have to do is to go there and meet them."
"Doctor's hunh?"
"Yeah."
"Maybe…." Karen mumbles.
"What? What'd you say?" Johnny shook Karen again. "Karen do you want to go to the hospital to meet my friends?"
Karen nodded her head before she passed out. Johnny looked at Roy frantically.
"Roy call Rampart!"
Roy handed in the drug box then exited the room. Johnny laid Karen on the bed and checked her pulse and respiration. He opened the drug box and grabbed the blood pressure cuff and stethoscope. Roy returned with the biophone.
"Rampart this is Squad 51. We now have a patient."
"Come on Karen! Stay with me! " Johnny mumbled as he worked.
************************************************************************
November 20th, 1971 10:00 PM
Roy left the community room and headed for the back of the station. Johnny was in the back parking lot playing a solitaire game of basketball. The way he moved an outsider would have thought he was playing the game of his life. He had stripped off his uniform shirt and his tee-shirt was drenched with sweat.
"Johnny can I talk to you?" Roy asked as he approached the spastic paramedic.
"Sure." replied Johnny breathlessly as he jumped and threw the ball at the basket. The ball went in and Johnny quickly went to retrieve it.
"Would you mind holding still for a moment."
"Why? I can talk and play at the same time." commented Johnny as he dribbled the ball around Roy.
"Maybe you can, but I'm getting sea sick just watching you."
"Take a Dramamine then." quipped Johnny sarcastically. "I can't stop now." he shot the ball at the basket again, but missed this time.
Johnny picked up the basketball and began dribbling it again. Roy tried to follow his partner as he bounced away from him and across the parking lot.
"I just got off the phone with Dixie and she said that Karen is still in a coma. They've pumped her stomach and only time will tell if she'll regain consciousness again. Her parents are expected in tonight." Roy informed his partner.
"Well atleast she's still alive." replied Johnny slightly relieved. He shot the ball and it went into the basket. Johnny trotted off after the ball.
"Yeah…well…about that little incident…the next time you decide to play cowboy on me I'm going to write you up for insubordination. I don't know what your problem is, but work it out on your own time. When you're here and we have a run you're to act like a professional and that means detaching yourself from the situation. Do you know that your actions today could've killed the entire program and caused each of us along with the County to be sued? We're just lucky things worked out okay."
"Well you won't have to worry about my "cowboy" antics as you call em, anymore…I'm thinking about quitting anyway." replied Johnny somberly as he lined up a free throw shot.
The ball circled the rim of the hoop for a few moments before dropping inside. Johnny trotted after the ball as Roy stood dumbfounded by his partner's revelation.
"Repeat that please. I thought I just heard you say you were thinking of quitting."
"You heard right."
Johnny stood in front of Roy and pretended that he was an opposing player. Roy unconsciously moved from side to side and tried to block his partner. Johnny faked to the left and when Roy responded he quickly moved to the right and ran around Roy. He shot for the basket again and missed.
"Johnny you can't quite."
"Why not?" the junior partner asked as he scooped the ball up from the ground.
"For starters the Captain isn't going to accept your resignation. And if you quite I'll get stuck with Brice as a full time partner."
Johnny walked toward Roy. He suddenly stopped and turned around With all the force he could muster he threw the ball at the wall of the station. Roy was stunned by his partner's sudden and violent reaction. The ball ricocheted off the wall and flew across the parking lot banging into a truck.
"I can't take this any more!" Johnny exclaimed angrily.
"Take what?" Roy asked with confusion in his voice.
Johnny studied Roy for a moment. "I can't take this loneliness anymore!" Johnny screamed in his mind. "Nothing." he answered curtly.
Roy rolled his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. "I don't understand you." he sighed.
"No, you don't." Johnny thought. "And you never will, because you really don't want to."
Chet came to the garage door. "Hey Roy! Joanne's on the phone! Your daughter lost her first tooth!" he yelled excitedly.
Roy turned away from Johnny and headed for the station. Johnny pulled up the collar of his tee-shirt and wiped the sweat and tears from his face. He watched as Chet and Roy disappeared into the community room talking happily.
"Yeah, that's it! Go ahead and ignore me! Act like nothing is wrong! Live your happy little life while I suffer!" Johnny thought angrily.
Johnny picked up the basketball which had come to a rest in the middle of the parking lot. He began to dribble it slowly at first. As he thought about being chewed out by Roy and the events of the day he became angrier and angrier. He began to run faster, jump higher and dribble harder than he had before. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes became angry slits as his jaw muscles tightened. His movements were not pre-planned as they had been earlier. His body was working on automatic pilot physically expressing the rage that had built up inside they lanky young man.
It was not until he went careening out of control and slammed into the hood of his Land Rover that Johnny became conscious of the fact he should have put on a pair of tennis shoes. "Damned dress shoes! Why don't the fire department give us something with better traction?!" he silently cursed as he slid to the ground holding his mid section..
The impact of the collision had knocked the wind out of the paramedic. He maneuvered around and rested his back against the front tire of the vehicle. He was hyperventilating, his stomach and ribs hurt and he was covered from head to toe in sweat. Johnny tried to slow his breathing down as he tried to ignore the pain. He was too exhausted to even try to call for help. His left hand slipped from it's resting place on his stomach and landed on something hard laying next to him.
Johnny picked up the object and tried to focus on it through the sweat that was dripping from under his hair. In his hand was a well worn switch blade knife. The handle was gold at one time with a silver eagle. His hands trembled as he opened the knife to reveal a blade that showed many years of being sharpened along with a lot of nicks and scrapes.
Johnny knew the knife well. He and Linda had pooled their money many years ago to buy it for Don for his birthday. Don had many switch blades, but this one had been his favorite and he carried it with him all the time. Jean and Linda asked Johnny if he wanted the knife and he graciously accepted the gift. Linda kept very few things of her father's. Her one treasure was the watch he was wearing that night. That was all she wanted as a reminder of him. Jean kept his wedding ring which she now wore along with her own. The rest of his personal effects were offered to friends and other family members.
As Johnny stared at the knife his mind flashed back to all the times he had seen his friend use the knife. The object would have meant nothing to anyone else, but if it could talk it would tell of being used to strip wires, open boxes, as a screw driver, an impromptu sander and even of being used by some hoods to stab it's original owner. Johnny could not fight the tears that welled up inside him as he thought about his friend and all the good times he had had with him and how it all came to a tragic end.
Johnny replayed the events of that night in his mind of a year and a half ago when one man and one gun changed his life and the life of many others forever. The same questions presented themselves in his mind, "What did Don want to tell me that night? What had him so scared? Where did he get the money from? Why didn't I question him about the beer? Who else was in the parking lot with him? Why didn't I just follow him outside and talk to him? Maybe I could have saved him. Jean said that she noticed Don acting strange within the last 365 days of his life. Why didn't I notice anything? Why did Don threaten his family's life? Were drugs involved? The Coroner's report listed Don's blood alcohol level as being three times the legal limit. How could I have missed seeing that he was already drunk when he came into the bar. Why did he destroy what was once a loving and close family? Why did he take his own life? I don't know who to be angry at!!! I'm mad at Don for doing this to us. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid! I'm mad at society for making me feel like I'm contaminated just because I was close to someone who killed themselves. I'm mad at Chet for telling me to get over it like I had a cold. I'm mad at Brice for calling me and complaining that I should have been at work the day of the burial. I'm mad at Roy for not acknowledging my feelings when he of all people should understand the situation Why do I have to be so alone? Will things ever get better? Will any of us know happiness again? My friend had a name, but no one will speak it in front of me. If Don had really wanted to go home then why weren't the keys in his pocket and not in the ignition? Why do I still have nightmares all this time later? Why? Why? Why?!!!!!!" Johnny raised his knees and wrapped his arms around his legs. He buried his head in his lap and sobbed uncontrollably.
Thirty short minutes is all it took for everyone who was at ground zero that night to be condemned to prison. Once those bars slammed shut there was no escape. Questions would forever remain and the scars would run deep. "Maybe Roy thinks I blew it today with Karen, but I think I may have saved another family the heartache of joining this club I now belong too," he thought to himself. "Then again maybe I was just trying to find answers where there are none." Johnny sat alone in the darkness lost deep within his thoughts.
**********************************************
May 21st, 1972 12:15 AM
"Johnny."
The voice next to him startled the young paramedic.
"Hunh?" He looked over at Roy in confusion.
"Hey, where were you? You looked a million miles away."
"Just thinking. That's all." Johnny mumbled as he dumped his cold coffee.
"Capt wants to know if you want to come and play a couple of hands of poker with us."
Johnny glanced at his watch. "Tell him no thanks. I have something I have to do."
"Aw come on, what do you have to do that's so important?"
Johnny's eyes narrowed into angry slits as he looked at his friend, "I have to make a phone call," he answered curtly.
"Oh say, Joanne wants to know if you want to come over for dinner tomorrow. The kids are dying to see you. We can have a cookout."
"I can't. I have plans of my own."
"Oh." Roy said with curiosity rising in his voice. "You and Linda going out somewhere?"
"Yeah. But first I have to visit a very old and dear friend," he stated sadly as he headed back into the station.
Roy watched with concern as his partner disappeared into the shadows. "I hope he gets out of this mood soon. It's just not healthy." he thought to himself.
Johnny entered Captain Stanley's vacant office. He sat down behind the desk, turned on the small desk lamp and dialed the phone.
"Hello Jean…it's Johnny….yeah, I'm going to the cemetery after work…no Linda doesn't want to go…I know…maybe some day she'll change her mind until then we can't force her…yeah, I know…two years exactly and it seems just like yesterday…" A somber look shadowed his face as one lonely tear fell down his cheek.
The End
