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Linda Halloran took the basement stares two at a time in an effort to quickly answer the persistent and annoying knock at her back door. It was a beautiful sunny Saturday morning and she had made plans to spend the day relaxing at the beach and working on her tan with her friend Joanne DeSoto. Joanne needed a well deserved break from the routine and stress that running a house and taking care of two children can cause in many housewives. Linda had suggested a girls day out and Joanne jumped at the opportunity. She arranged for her mother to take the children for the day and set to work preparing a picnic lunch, digging her old bathing suit out from under a mound of junk in her closet and buying just the right romance novel to read while relaxing in the sun.

Linda and Johnny had only been officially dating for a few months, but they had known each other since childhood and this was honestly the first time in her life that Linda could remember actually liking anyone that Johnny had picked as friends. All the guys at Station 51 treated her just like one of them to the point of including her in on their practical jokes against Johnny. The DeSoto’s were Linda’s favorite out of all the gang though and not just because Roy was Johnny’s best friend. Joanne was a genuinely sweet person who made Linda feel right at home from the moment Johnny first introduced the two women. They thought alike and even enjoyed some of the same hobbies, shopping and tanning being among the top two on the list. Linda also liked the DeSoto children and happily volunteered to be a stand by baby sitter when needed, something Johnny whole heatedly endorsed since he loved Roy’s kids and absolutely hated the boys Linda already took care of for her friend.

There was only one thing that could dampen the excitement that had been bubbling up inside Linda all week about her planned outing at the beach. . .plumbing problems. As she was preparing for work early Monday morning she made her customary bathroom run before getting dressed and that’s when it happened. When she went to use the toilet she felt the carpet by the apparatus gush under her bare feet. After careful inspection and a lot of silent praying she discovered that the bowl had a crack in it that was leaking slowly leaking water onto the floor below. Figuring that praying for a miracle was of no help Linda turned to cussing like a trucker and kicking at the offensive appliance almost breaking her foot in the process.

A leaking toilet presented many problems and inconveniences that the single young woman did not want to even think about. On the inconvience side there was a spare toilet in the basement, but in order to use it in the middle of the night Linda would have to run up and down two flights of stairs every time. On the problem side there was the fact that the water probably leaked through the floor which meant that the ceiling in her living room was now showing signs of water damage. Then there was the third, more depressing problem of expenses. She had to buy an new toilet then pay someone to install it for her. If her theory about the water damage was correct then she would also need to hire a plasterer. Most of Linda’s week was spent fighting a terrific migraine headache and calling for estimates. On the positive side she was really beginning to get into shape with all the stair climbing she was doing. Just when it was beginning to look like she would have to offer her first born child and an arm in order to have a new toilet installed Johnny came to the rescue. He informed Linda that he could install the toilet himself with the help of his fellow crew mates. The price he asked was two cases of beer for his friends and a home cooked meal for himself. It was an offer that Linda could not refuse and she gratefully accepted. The guys decided that Saturday would be a good day to do the work since Linda would be out of the house anyway. She bought the beer along with some cold cuts, bread, chips and dip. The one thing she had learned from her father was to always feed the working party. She had all the sandwiches prepared and stored in the refrigerator with the beer and the chips were set out on the kitchen table just waiting for the group of hungry men. Linda opened the back door and found Roy, Joanne, Mike, Captain Stanley, Chet, Marco and Johnny patiently waiting for her.

"Gage’s Plumbing Service at your service!" Johnny stated cheerfully as he flashed his classic crooked grin and waved a monkey wrench in the air.

"No plumbing job too large or too small when were around." added Chet as he stepped into the kitchen.

"We do sinks, toilets, drains and faucets." stated Roy as he followed Chet inside. Linda laughed at their little impromptu commercial.

"Well I certainly say you guys seem very enthusiastic about this project." she choked out as she let the rest of the group inside.

"Linda are you sure you want these guys working on your bathroom?" Joanne asked with concern.

"Aw come on! What’s wrong with us?" Roy asked incredulously as he turned to stare questionably at his wife.

"Oh there’s nothing wrong with you or the Captain or Chet or Marco or Mike, but. . ." she trailed off and glanced at Johnny. Everyone else’s eyes followed her gaze and soon the entire room was staring at Johnny. ". . .you have Johnny The Dyslexic Maintenance Man working with you." she finished dryly.

"Oh yeah. . .? Do I need to remind you about the tape recorder you tried to install in the squad?" Joanne asked pointedly as she folded her arms and glared at her husband’s junior partner. A worried look crossed Linda’s face as she looked from Johnny to Joanne and back again.

"She’s got you there pally." Captain Stanley quipped as he slapped the paramedic on the back. Johnny noticed the hesitant look on Linda’s face and realized that thanks to his friends she was about to lose her confidence in him.

Johnny opened his mouth to answer, but was quickly silenced by Chet’s interjection into the conversation. "Oh you should have seen it! First the thing sparked and almost caught his hair on fire and then he installed it wrong and wired it into the radio. . ." Linda’s concern was growing by the second.

"Speaking of Johnny and fire there was the time he tried to rewire the TV set at the station…" added Roy as he began to laugh.

"Alright!" shouted Johnny as he raised his hands to silence his critics. "I think that we’ve established the fact that I’m not very good with electrical work. But this is plumbing. . .plumbing I can handle." he stated reassuringly as he tried to give Linda a confident smile. Joanne and the five firemen all looked at each other questionably.

"Uh. . .maybe I should stick around. . . I know a little about installing toilets. . .I’m sure I could be of some help." Linda stated hesitantly.

"No! No! Really. . .things are going to be fine. Your bathroom is in good hands. Trust me." Johnny stated reassuringly.

"Famous last words." Chet mumbled under his breath which resulted in muffled giggles from his friends. Johnny draped his one arm around Linda’s shoulders and his other arm around Joanne’s shoulders and started walking them toward the back door.

"Now you two go out and have a great day. Go swimming. . .get a great tan. . .do some shopping. . .have a good time and don’t worry about a thing here." He removed his arm from Joanne’s shoulder and bent over to pick up Linda’s beach bag. He handed the bag to her then reached into his pocket and pulled some money. "Here. . ." he glanced at the cash in his hand then pressed it into Linda’s hand. "There should be fifty dollars there. Spend it all if you want on yourselves." Linda quickly slid the money into the pocket of her shorts. Johnny was not known for being loose with his money and anytime he willingly offered cash of any sort it was best to take it and run before he came to his senses and took it back.

"Well if you insist. . .there’s food and beer in the fridge and chips on the table. That should hold you for awhile. If not the number to the take out restaurant is hanging on the cork board by the basement door." Linda stated as she slung her bag over her shoulder.

Captain Stanley waved his hand dismisevely at the two women. "Yeah. . .go on get out of here so we can get to work."

Linda turned her head and looked at Joanne with a comical expression. "Is it me or are we getting the bums rush out of here?"

"Honey it’s not that we don’t want you around. . .but if you stay we’ll all be too distracted to get any work done." Johnny stated as he slipped his arms around Linda’s waist and pulled her closer to him. "Now go on and get out of here. And I want to see some evidence of a tan when you get home tonight." He leaned in and gave her a lingering kiss.

Joanne tugged at Linda’s arm. "Come on. We better leave before young Romeo changes his mind and relocates the remodeling project to the bedroom." she teased.

Linda laughed and pulled herself out of Johnny’s arms. "Yeah. . .I think you’re right. Okay." she waved as she followed Joanne out the door. "Bye fellas. Have fun and good luck."

After the girls were safely out the door Johnny turned around and glared as his fellow coworkers. "What’s with you guys?! Hunh?!"

"All those horror stories you all decided to tell Linda about my handy man experience. . .what are you trying to do? Make me look bad in front of the girl?"

"CHET!" Johnny yelled as he pulled the monkey wrench from his rear pocket and waved it at the mustached fireman menacingly.

"Guys! Let’s not kill each other until AFTER we’ve installed the toilet." suggested Captain Stanley in an effort to avoid any blood shed.

"So how exactly DO you install a toilet?" inquired Marco. Everyone turned and stared at him in disbelief.

Marco shook his head in the negative as he looked helplessly at the others. "No. I thought you did."

"My brother in law installed our toilet." Captain Stanley chimed in. "By the time the fourth quarter of the Rams game came on he was done." Everyone turned their attention to Johnny.

"Well don’t look at me! I hoped you guys would have a clue." the dark haired paramedic answered defensively.

"That’s if we don’t kill him first." Roy threatened as he glared at his partner. Fearing for his life Johnny tried to regain control of the situation.

"Aw come on guys how hard can it be?" He opened the refrigerator and started tossing cans of beer to his confused coworkers. Once they had all been served he retrieved a can for himself and slammed the door shut. Johnny leaned casually against the door of the appliance and popped the top of his can and took a long drink. The others made themselves comfortable around the kitchen table. Mike remained standing and leaned back against the kitchen counter. "We’re men right?"

"The last time I checked I know I was." quipped Chet. Johnny shot him a murderous look.

"My point is that as men we are resourceful. . .it’s in our nature to be creative and to forge for what is needed right?" Johnny asked pointedly. The other men nodded their heads in agreement and mumbled their responses. "Okay. . .so. . .all we need to do is to think about this and figure it out " he stated authoritively as he took another drink of his beer. "What would be our first step?"

A deafening silence descended over the kitchen as all the men drank their beers and thought about what you would need to do first in order to replace a broken toilet. Finally a light bulb went off in Chet’s head. His eyes lit up and he jumped up jubilantly from his seat.

"I got it!!!" the shorter fireman exclaimed excitedly as his confused coworkers stared at him with mixed looks of shock and surprise.

"Well whatever it is I don’t want it." Johnny stated wryly. The other men laughed slightly at Johnny’s come back line.

Chet shot Johnny an annoyed look. "Funny. . .not. No listen. . .really. . .I know what we need to do first."

"First. . . we need to buy a new toilet." Chet stated in a tone that made his comment sound like a divine revelation.

"Hey! That’s good! And while we’re at the hardware store we can buy a ‘How To’ book that’ll show us what we need to do!" concluded Captain Stanley enthusiastically.

"There! See! I knew we could solve this problem! Okay guys it’s off to the hardware store we go!" Johnny stated triumphantly as he finished his beer. He crushed the can with his hand and tossed it toward the garbage can across the room. The can landed just short of the garbage.

"Aw too bad Johnny." Roy stated with feigned sincerity. "There goes your position on the Harlem Globe Trotters." Johnny shot his partner an annoyed look as Roy and Chet slapped each other five.

"Okay." Roy finished off his beer, crushed his can and threw it carelessly over his shoulder. The can landed perfectly inside the garbage can much to Johnny’s chagrin and the delight of the others. Soon Chet, Marco, Mike and Captain Stanley were following suit. All of them were able to land the cans inside the garbage.

"Don’t worry Johnny. Some day you’ll find a sport you’re actually good at." Marco teased.

"He already has." commented Chet. "It’s the ‘Longest Time With No Sex’ event. I hear Johnny holds the all time record." The other men laughed whole heartedly at Chet’s joke while Johnny fumed.

"You guys gonna sit around all day and make bad jokes or are you gonna help me with this project?!" Johnny asked tersely.

"The sense of humor is always the first thing to go when you haven’t been with a woman in a while." Chet stated with an air of authority.

"Well that explains your problem." Johnny shot back. The other guys laughed out loud as Chet stood speechless and just stared at Johnny dumbly. "Come on. Let’s get this show on the road." He headed for the back door followed by his fellow coworkers.

"Hi ho. Hi ho. It’s off to the SEARS we go. To buy a toilet and a book. Hihohihohio!" Chet began singing. The song caught on and soon everyone was singing it. Everyone that is except Roy who was the last one to leave the house. He heard the voices disappearing down the driveway as he closed the door behind him. He rolled his eyes and shook his head in disbelief.

"Spare me." he mumbled helplessly to himself as he followed after the rest of the gang.

Captain Stanley sat on the edge of the bathtub holding a thick hard back book on his lap. His beer can rested sat in a plastic soap dish next to him. Being the senior officer of the group he decided that it was only fitting that he assume the role of supervisor on this job. He glanced down at Johnny who was kneeling on the floor working at removing the bolts from the old toilet. Chet, Marco, Roy and Mike huddled around the doorway each with their own can of beer and observed the young paramedic turned plumber in action. Roy munched on a sandwich while Chet and Marco passed a bowl of chips between themselves. Country music played from a small portable radio that had been brought into the room and placed on the back of the sink. Next to the radio was another opened can of beer and a paper plate with a half eaten sandwich on it.

The six men had just returned from spending three hours and a little over two hundred dollars at the hardware department in SEARS. Among their many purchases they bought a Better Homes and Garden Encyclopedia which offered step by step instructions on everything from plumbing repairs to masonry and concrete repairs. The bulk of their time was spent roaming the tool aisles and having a heated debate about which was better Craftsman or Stanley. The Captain was partial to the second brand himself. Once all the votes were cast with Craftsman being the overall winner the men attacked the tools in an effort to make sure that they had everything they needed in order to do the job right plus some. The addition of tools to the shopping list brought up the subject of what to house them in, so the crew decided a tool box was needed.

After their tool excursion the six firemen finally made it to the plumbing supply section of the department store. There they bought extra pipes and fittings just in case there should be any unforeseen problems, along with the needed supplies of a wax seal and plumber’s putty. Then it was time for the major purchase of the day. . .the toilet itself. After thoroughly inspecting every toilet on display, and grilling the sales clerk with numerous questions it was time to decide which bowl to buy. The consensus among the group was that since it was Johnny’s girlfriend and his brilliant idea to do this job he should be the one to have the final say on which toilet to purchase. Captain Stanley had been taking careful mental and written notes on all the pros and cons of one brand over another and of the difference in costs and how that affected the quality of the finished product. He presented the young paramedic with all the information and sent him off down the long bathroom aisle by himself to make his choice.

After carefully weighing all the options Johnny decided on a toilet which was not too expensive and not too cheap. He had found one that was a one of a kind item on sale for half it’s original value. The quality was good and the manufacture’s name and reputation promised to bring a life time of flushing happiness to the user. Johnny proudly pointed out his choice to the stock clerk and had it loaded into the back of his Land Rover. Roy had reservations about his partner’s choice and hesitantly brought the issue up to him. Johnny refused to listen to the voice of dissent and quickly reinstated that it was left up to him and whatever he decided is what Linda would receive. Johnny’s choice left the other’s questioning their own decision to let him make such an important and major purchase on his own. It was too late however to change what had been done, the bill was paid and the toilet was officially bought. The men soon forgot about their reservations concerning the new toilet. Excitement mounted among the group as they headed back to Linda’s primed and ready to attack their new project. With new tools, a new tool box, instruction manual and a new challenge awaiting them they became men on a mission.

Even though Linda had stocked the refrigerator with two cases of beer and food already the men wanted to make sure that they did not run out of either any time soon, so on the way back from the store they detoured to the beer distributor’s and bought two more cases. Then the rest of the crew stopped at the grocery store to buy some additional junk food and lunch meat while Chet ran into the drug store and bought himself the current edition of Playboy magazine. By the time they had arrived back to the house all the men were starving and dying of thirst. A vote was taken and it was unanimously decided that eating first would certainly help them concentrate better on the task at hand. Chet had tuned the TV set in the living room to a college football game and the group made themselves at home eating their lunch while watching the sporting event. Captain Stanley decided at half time that it was time for them to start to work if they wanted to have the new toilet in before Linda and Joanne returned that night. The men begrudgingly consented to their leaders request and began to work on the bathroom.

"How you coming with that nut?" the Captain inquired as he reached for his beer.

"The damned thing is so old it’s rusted to the bowl." Johnny complained bitterly.

"Here. . .use this then." suggested the Captain as he handed Johnny a hacksaw from the tool box at his feet.

"Make sure you cut the bolt off and not your fingers." Chet commented dryly as he popped a handful of chips into his mouth. As Johnny reached for the hacksaw he turned to give his nemesis an annoyed look.

"You know you guys are getting paid to help me, not to support the wall and crack wise while I do ALL the work." the angry young man shot back.

"Hey we are helping you!" Chet countered with a defensive tone. "I shut off the water and flushed the toilet."

"And I sponged out the tank for you." stated Roy matter of factly. "Along with disconnecting the water supply line."

"Yeah and me and Mike lugged the new toilet upstairs for you." added Marco as he took a drink of his beer. "The least you can do is to remove a few nuts without complaint." Johnny wanted to say something back to the group of self appointed supervisors, but decided against it. Instead he began sawing, taking all his anger and frustration out on the rusted bolt in front of him. After a few minutes and a lot of sweat the bolt finally broke free.

"Okay!" Johnny stated breathlessly as he dropped the saw and sat back on the floor wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. "They’re all out. Now let’s get rid of this old thing."

"Mike you and Roy take that thing out of here." directed Captain Stanley. The two firemen set their beer cans down on top of the sink and sprung into action while Johnny headed over to the sink to retrieve his own beer. He was still winded from the earlier exertion so he leaned back against the wall casually and took a long drink of his beer in an effort to catch his breath.

"AHHHHH! That tastes good." he stated with an air of contentment as he wiped some foam off his upper lip with the back of his hand. "What does the book say we do next?" he inquired as he tried to glance over the Captain’s shoulders.

Well. . .let’s see. . ." Captain Stanley glanced down at the book in his lap quickly running his finger down the page. "Oh. . .here we go. . . Carefully remove the new toilet bowl from its container, and turn it upside down and run a rope of plumber’s putty around the perimeter of the bowl’s base, and fit a wax ring over the outlet opening." he read aloud.

"Shouldn’t we scrape the old wax off the hole first?" Marco inquired as he pointed to the drain hole in the middle of the floor where the old toilet had been. Captain Stanley glanced over at the hole and the pasty goo that surrounded it then he leafed through the book again.

"It’s called a flange." Johnny corrected as he picked up his sandwich from the plate and took a bite.

"The hole in the floor. . .it’s called a flange." Johnny answered around a mouthful of food.

"Get a load of him." Chet stated sarcastically as he jerked his thumb toward Johnny. He removes two bolts and already he’s an expert plumber." Johnny shot him a murderous look as he swallowed his the food in his mouth and washed it down with a beer chaser.

"Kelly since you seem to have nothing better to do than to harass Johnny how ‘bout if you scrape off the old wax." the Captain suggested in a tone that brooked no argument.

"Aw Capt.!" Chet whined plaintively. Feeling vindicated at last Johnny smiled smugly as he pulled a putty knife from the tool box and handed it to Chet.

"Here ya go Chester B. Happy scraping." the dark haired young man quipped as he dramatically stuck his nose in the air and sauntered out of the room. Chet looked at Marco for some support.

"Marco we’re buddies right?" Chet began in his most friendliest tone. "Surely you wouldn’t let a pal do all this hard work by himself?" he concluded hopefully then added somewhat uncertainly, "Would you?"

Chet gave shot his friend a murderous look and waved his fist at him. "I’ll no comprende’ English you!" he threatened. "Why is it every time I ask you to back me up you suddenly forget how to speak the English language?" he asked with annoyance dripping from his voice.

"Maybe because you get yourself in these messes and I don’t want to be Tom Sawyered into bailing you out." Marco explained as he finished off his beer. "Happy scrapping amigo." he stated matter of factly as he tossed his empty can into the garbage and headed out the door. Captain Stanley was the only one left in the room. Chet gave him the most pitiful, soulful look he could muster in hopes that the commander would revoke his earlier order.

"You might want to use a bucket of hot water when you begin scrapping." The Captain suggested as he stood up and headed across the room. He stopped momentarily by the hole and took a good sniff of the air in that particular location. "I would also suggest you get your air tank." he joked as he headed out of the room.

"Oh funny! Very funny guys!" Chet shouted out the door after his friends. "You wait! The phantom NEVER forgets an injustice!" Unhappily Chet set to work at his assigned task all the while mumbling under his breath. He stopped after a few moments and craned his head toward the door. "Hey! The least you could do is to bring me a beer and a sandwich!" A sickening look crossed his face as he looked down at the hole in the floor and the mental image of what went down that hole came into his mind. "Uh guys. . .cancel that sandwich!"

It took Chet a little over two hours and four beers to scrape up the rest of the old sealing wax from the floor, but he was finally done. Mike and Roy were in the process of preparing the new toilet for installation as Marco, Johnny, and Captain Stanley watched.

While Chet took his time digging at the mess on the floor the rest of the guys had gone back down stairs to watch some more of the football game. After the game was over they then switched to watching a "B" rated horror flick and fighting over who would get to read Chet’s Playboy first. Captain Stanley won the magazine argument by pulling rank and while the other’s were stuck watching "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" he happily drooled over Miss June.

The original beer supply was dwindling fast so Marco restocked the refrigerator with a case of the stuff they had bought. When Chet had descended the stairs and informed everyone that he was finished the rest of the crew went back to work. By this time they were all starting to feel slightly buzzed with all the alcohol and the thought of actually having to do some manual labor as opposed to sitting around and watching TV did not bother them in the least. The negative side effect to all the beer consumption however, was that six men had to fight over the one remaining toilet in the basement. Luckily Linda lived in a remote location surrounded by some woods and those who were truly desperate and not shy had and alternative choice when needed.

Mike and Roy had just placed the new bowl over the sewer drain and Marco was standing precariously on top of the new fixture when Chet rejoined the group. "Hey we’re. . ." the shorter fireman started, but stopped suddenly when he saw Marco jumping up and down on top of the new bowl. "Why’s Marco dancing on the new toilet?" he asked as he looked at Roy in confusion.

"Oh. . .well you see we wanted to make sure the new seal set so the Captain told Marco to get up there and jump around some." was the somewhat slurred response he received from the blond haired paramedic.

"Oh. I see." Chet stated in a dazed tone as he stared incomprehensibly at his friend who was still jumping around on top of the toilet.

"What were you about to tell us?" Johnny asked as he finished off yet another can of beer.

"Oh. . .um. . .the food’s gone so I called that take out place Linda told us about. There’s two buckets of chicken, six hoagies, some potato salad and a pizza on the way." Chet answered. "They should be here in half an hour."

"Good. Hopefully we’ll be done by then." stated Captain Stanley as he consulted the book again. "Okay guys now we need to attach the tank."

"Hunh?" asked the commander as he glanced up from the book and stared at the engineer in confusion.

"The tank. . .shouldn’t we have attached that to the rest of the toilet before we put the toilet in place?"

"Oh no!" groaned Johnny as he thought about having to rip up the work they had already done.

"You know what? I think you’re absolutely right Mike. We should have attached the tank first. It says so in the book." the Captain stated drunkenly as he stared at the page in front of him and a confused expression shadowed his face. "Now I wonder how I missed that step." he mumbled to himself. "Oh well. . .it doesn’t really matter. We’ll just work around it. Now the book says we have to put the spud gasket on first."

Marco descended his perch and helped Chet and Roy dig through the box for the prized spud gasket. He grabbed a hold of a plastic bag filled with various parts and accessories and pulled it from the box. "What’s a spud gasket look like?" he inquired curiously as he turned the bag over and over in his hands carefully examining every piece inside.

"Like a potato." quipped Chet as he then began to laugh at his own pun. The other guys all groaned and shook their heads in disbelief.

"I think it’s that big round rubber thingie." Roy drawled drunkenly as he pointed to a large gasket in the middle of the bag.

Chet opened his mouth to say something, but Johnny raised his hand and glared at his wise cracking coworker. "Don’t even go there!" he warned.

Chet shut his mouth and mumbled something to himself under his breath. Marco opened the plastic bag of parts and removed the gasket which he then handed over to Roy. Roy held the gasket in front of his face and a stupid smile curled at his lips as an idea filled his beer saturated brain. With great dramatic effect he waved the gasket around showing it to each of his friends then he turned and looked at the toilet and waved his free hand over the back of it a few times mumbling some weird chant. The rest of the inebriated crew watched with great fascination as he then placed the gasket on the back of the bowl with great flourish. When he had completed his trick he turned to face the others while he pointed at the toilet.

"TA DA!" he exclaimed triumphantly. The others clapped their hands in appreciation of the great show and Roy took his bows. "Now what?" he asked just as the front door bell rang.

"Now we break for dinner." Chet commented. Johnny looked at his watch with a surprised expression on his face.

"WOW! Boy were they fast on delivering that food." the dark haired young man exclaimed in amazement.

"Alright, after we eat then we’ll finish this up." Captain Stanley stated as he laid the book down on the edge of the tub. The six firemen eagerly ran down the stairs and greeted the delivery boy at the door. Johnny grabbed the two buckets of chicken while Roy grabbed the pizza box. Marco followed behind grabbing the bag of hoagies while Captain Stanley grabbed the potato salad. The four men headed for the living room while Mike went to the kitchen to get some refreshments while Chet was left standing alone at the door. He shot an annoyed look at the hall wall which separated him from the group in the next room as he begrudgingly paid and tipped the young delivery person. He then headed for the living room to grab what might be left of the food. As they munched on their dinner the guys watched an old John Wayne western that someone had turned on.

"You ready for the water?" Roy inquired as Johnny worked on the connector of the water supply line that went to the bottom of the tank.

It had been almost nine hours, two and a half cases of beer, fifty sandwiches, four bags of chips, one pizza, two bucket’s of chicken, six hoagies and a tub of potato salad since the six firemen had started their bathroom remodeling project and they were finally hitting the last leg of the job. The tank had finally been attached to the bowl and Marco had just installed the ball cock, float ball, flapper, over flow tube, seat valve and chain inside the receptacle. It was now time for the final stage, hooking up the water supply line to the tank.

Captain Stanley was amazed at how well the job was going considering the fact that none of them had any idea what they were doing, Johnny was actively participating in the labor and they were all drunk to the gills. No one had started any fires, no pipes broke, and Gage had not required the customary trip to Rampart’s emergency room. As he watched his men work the commander seriously considered making alcohol a mandatory drink on the "A" shift until the realization that Chet was twice as obnoxious drunk as he was sober hit him. But on the other hand the Captain found it easier to deal with Chet when he himself were drunk. Forcing his mind to focus on the job at hand Captain Stanley returned his attention to the instruction book on his lap. After this last step the job should be complete and all they had to do was to make sure there were no leaks. He glanced at his watch and absently nodded his head in self approval. They would have completed the job in just enough time to clean up and be waiting down stairs for Linda and Joanne’s arrival home around supper time.

"I think so." Johnny grunted as he turned the wrench one last time. He then pulled himself up onto the seatless bowl and pointed to his partner. "Okay." Roy turned the valve back on. The rest of the men waited with baited breath to see if the thing would still work. Water squirted out from all angles at the connection spraying everyone in the room. Roy used his left arm to shield his face from the aqua assault as he tried to find the shut off valve with his right hand. "HEY!" Johnny shouted as he shielded his face with both his arms while he quickly jumped up from his seat and dashed across the room.

Chet picked up a bar of soap from the edge of the bathtub and then while still fully dressed began to rub the bar under his arm pit. Captain Stanley, Mike, Marco and Johnny all watched him with morbid curiosity showing on their faces.

"What’re you doing?" the Captain inquired in a dazed tone as he tried to focus his eyes on the practical joking fireman.

Chet looked at his friends as if the answer should have been obvious to them. "Taking a shower and doing my laundry at the same time." he stated matter of factly.

"Makes sense to me." Johnny agreed as he grabbed a washcloth from the towel rack and handed it to Chet. "Can I use that when you’re done?" Captain Stanley just shook his head in disbelief. Under normal circumstances he would have called Chet a twit because of his unusual behavior, but for some reason what he was doing now made perfect sense.

Roy finally reached the valve and shut the water off. He turned his head and looked up to see water dripping off the walls, the ceiling and his five coworkers and ofcourse himself. He also saw Chet rubbing the bar of soap under his other arm while everyone else just watched. Roy wanted to ask, but thought better of it as he pulled himself off the floor.

"What happened?!" Johnny demanded to know. "Why’d you try to drown us?" Roy glared at his partner. He was getting sick and tired of the way Johnny always tried to skate out of his mistakes by making it look like they were everyone else’s fault. For the first time in six years he was about to finally made him accountable for his actions.

"YOU didn’t screw the connector in tight enough! THAT’S what happened." Roy growled as he gave a glassy eyed glare to his junior partner. "Now get back down there and try it again."

"Maybe I should do it." volunteered Mike as he reached for the wrench in Johnny’s hand. "Lord knows what kind of problem Gage here might cause next. The man’s an expert with the jaws of life, but a walking nightmare with a simple wrench."

"Good idea." Captain Stanley agreed drunkenly as he tried to keep himself from falling into the bath tub. "Mike you fix the thingy doodle and Gage. . ." he paused for a moment as he tried to think of something for Johnny to do.

"Hm?. . .uh. . .yeah. . .okay. Gage clean up this mess." the inebriated commander ordered as he waved his hand weakly in the air.

Johnny whipped a towel off the towel rack and began to sloppily wipe down the wall behind him as he glared at his partner. "Geesh!!!! Some people get so grouchy when they’re drunk." Johnny stated sarcastically as he continued to work. Roy nonchalantly leaned against the door jamb in an effort to keep from swaying. He folded his arms and watched Johnny work.

"I’m not as trunk as you trink I am." Johnny looked at Roy with one raised eyebrow. "You missed a spot." he pointed out jokingly in an effort to change the subject.. Johnny shot him an annoyed look and waved his fist weakly in the air as he aimlessly dried the same spot on the wall over and over again.

Meanwhile Chet was still rubbing himself down with the bar of soap. "Splish splash I was takin’ a bath long about a Saturday night. Rub dub just soakin’ in the tub thinkin’ everything was alright. . ." he sang at the top of his lungs. The other men all stopped what they were doing and just stared at Chet in shock. Chet finally noticed the strange looks he was receiving. "What? I always sing in the shower." Roy raised his index finger and opened his mouth to say something as a comical look crossed his face. Then the thought occurred to him that it might be better to join him than to fight him. Chet started singing again. Roy joined in followed by Johnny and soon the entire crew was singing "Splish Splash."

"Okay, let’s try it again." Suggested Mike as he turned the valve back on again. Anticipating the worst the rest of the men raised their arms defensively and pulled back out of the way. Slowly Johnny lowered his arms and looked over at Mike in shock. The quiet engineer was grinning from ear to ear.

"Hey. . .it worked." Johnny stated in awe. Seeing that they were in no danger of being sprayed again the rest of the crew lowered their arms also and gathered around the toilet. They watched with stoned fascination as the water level inside the tank slowly began to rise.

"Far out!" Chet stated in a tone that indicated this was the best entertainment he had seen in a long time.

"Oh hey look. . ." Marco started as he pointed the large ball in the tank. ". . .the ball goes up when the water rises. Neat." he observed as he pointed inside the tank.

Captain Stanley glanced at the interior of the tank momentarily then diverted his attention to his book. A thought struck him and he quickly did a double take and looked inside the tank again. "Uh. .I think something’s wrong.. . ." The water level kept rising with out stopping. The commander quickly grabbed the book and began to furiously flip through it as his drunken crew just watched the water getting higher and higher.

"Ah ha! Here it is!" stated the Captain as he looked triumphantly at his men. "The float wasn’t adjusted right." Water started to over flow from the tank and spill onto the floor. Johnny and Mike jumped back as their feet were doused with the cold liquid.

"Mike turn off the water!" Johnny ordered as he reached for the lever on the toilet. "Well now’s a good time to see if it flushes." He pushed down on the lever and the water from the tank drained into the bow. Mike turned the valve and the knob broke off in his hand causing water to spray from the supply line. He furiously grabbed at the pipe in an effort to stop the spray. The water in the bowl did not go down as planned, but rose up and flowed out of the bowl and onto the floor. The phone began to ring.

"Oh man!" Johnny moaned in an annoyed tone. "Mike block that leak will ya?!" he ordered as he grabbed some towels and valiantly tried to protect the already drenched floor boards. The ringing of the phone was beginning to grate on everyone’s nerves as they desperately tried to stop the flooding.

Captain Stanley stared at the toilet and ensuing mess in awe. "I wonder why the toilet ain’t draining like it’s suppose to." he mused out load.

A guilty look clouded Chet’s face as a thought occurred to him. "Oh. . ." the phantom moaned loudly. All heads turned and stared at Chet in shock.

"Chet what does that mean?! Johnny asked as he glared at the mustached fireman.

"CHET!!!!!!!" Johnny yelled as he stalked menacingly toward the guilty looking fireman.

"Okay I confess! I. . .blocked. . .the. . .drain. . .when I was working on the wax."

"And. . .well. . .I guess I forgot to unblock it when I was done." Chet answered as he gave the angry paramedic a helpless look and laughed weakly. Johnny looked ready to kill the smaller man.

Mike had wrapped some soggy towels around the pipe, but they were of no help and the water kept spraying out into the room. "Anybody know where the main shut off is? I can’t get this to stop!" he asked hopefully.

"Yeah. . .I know where it’s at. I’ll take care of it." Johnny stated tersely as he continued to glare at Chet. Meanwhile Roy was in the spare bedroom down the hall talking on the phone when Johnny walked past. The senior partner waved at the younger paramedic as he strode past the door way. Johnny stopped and ducked his head inside the door. "What?"

"Yeah hold on for a second he’s right here." Roy cupped his hand over the receiver and looked at Johnny with a wide eyed look of fear registering on his face. "It’s Linda she wants to talk to you."

"She wants to know how everything is going." Roy informed him in a panicked tone.

"So?. . .you’re a married man haven’t you learned the fine art of lying to your spouse yet?"

"Yeah I have, but this is your girlfriend junior so it’s your turn to lie." He shoved the receiver at Johnny.

Johnny shoved the receiver back toward Roy. "I can’t talk now. I have to go shut off the water."

"Talk to her!" Roy ordered through clenched teeth as he shoved the receiver into Johnny’s hands and quickly ducked out of the room.

"Roy I. . ." Johnny stated helplessly as he turned around to see Roy fleeing the scene. "ROY!!!! ROY!!!!!!" An angry look crossed his face as he glared after his friend. "ROY YOU’RE YELLOW!!!!!" he called out angrily. He took a deep breath and raised the receiver to his ear. "Hello honey!" he said in a sugary sweet voice with a fake smile plastered on his face. "So are you and Joanne having a good time?. . .Oh that’s good. . .um hum you’re going to eat dinner out, well that’s good. . .real good." Johnny stated with some relief in his tone. "How are things here?. . .um. . .well things are going swimmingly." A slight smirk spread across his face as he realized just how cleverly he had handled that question.

"GAGE WILL YOU GO TURN OFF THE DAMNED WATER!!!!!!!" Captain Stanley bellowed from the bathroom. Johnny tried to cover the receiver, but was a second too late.

"JOHNNY HURRY UP!!!!!! IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE THE TINANIC AFTER IT HIT THE ICEBERG IN HERE!!!!!!" Chet yelled. Johnny shot an annoyed look toward the room at the end of the hall as he cupped his hand over the receiver.

"ALRIGHT!!! WILL YOU CALM DOWN!! I’M ON THE PHONE!!" he called back angrily.

"IF YOU DON’T HANG UP SOON LINDA’S GONNA NEED SCUBA GEAR TO USE THIS BATHROOM!!!!" retorted Chet.

Johnny was becoming anxious. He wanted to get off the phone quickly, but he did not want to make Linda suspicious. His mind raced with ideas on how he could accomplish his goal. He put the receiver back to his ear. "Uh. . .Linda. . .what?. . .oh that. . .uh the guys have some movie on about the Titanic. . .uh look baby I’d love to talk longer, but the boat is sinking and I really want to see that. You and Joanne take all the time you want. There’s no need for you to rush home. . .no. .really everything is fine. I’ll see you tonight. " he puckered his lips and made a kissing noise into the mouth piece. "Have fun. . . miss ya. Bye!" he quickly hung up the phone and dashed out of the room.

"Okay. . .I think we’ve got it this time." Mike commented as he finished tightening the brand new water supply pipe to the toilet tank. After Johnny finally got the main water shut off in the basement Mike and Roy had worked on changing the old broken pipe and valve while Chet and Marco took the newly installed toilet back out and cleared the drain. To keep him out of trouble and to curb any more disasters from happening Johnny was sent back to SEARS to buy yet another wax seal, a new valve stem and a wet/dry vac. He returned with the requested supplies, plus an additional surprise for Linda, a new toilet seat. Captain Stanley decided that since Chet was the one who plugged up the drain he should be the one to scrape the wax off the floor again. The men then had to retrace their steps and redo the same job they had initially completed. Roy found the job was going a lot easier the second time around. He was not sure if this was because they had finally learned what to do or if they were just to drunk to care.

"Aaaaalright. . ." Captain Stanley slurred as he staggered to his feet from his seat on the edge of the tub and joined the gathered crowd at the toilet. "Let’s make sure. . ." his train of thought was momentarily derailed by a hiccup. "Where was I?. . .oh yeah. . .let’s make sure we did everything. . . supply line attached?"

"Drain cleared?" the commander shot Chet a withering look as he asked this question.

"Sorry Capt. . ." Johnny stated as he polished off the can in his hand the burped loudly. ". . .this was the last one." he tossed the can toward the garbage, but over shot his target and the can went sailing out into the hallway. Johnny just sheepishly shrugged his shoulders as the others just shook their heads in disbelief.

"Okay. . .no beer. Well I’d say that this job is officially done." the Captain declared triumphantly.

"Capt. would you like to do the honors?" Mike asked as he waved his hand ceremoniously toward the new fixture.

"Why tank you my good man. Don’t mind if I do." Mike stepped aside as the Captain weaved his way over to the toilet. All the guys gathered around the fixture and stared at it questionably while they held their breaths. Captain Stanley mumbled a small prayer before pushing down on the lever. The entire crew watched in fascination as the water in the bowl swirled freely down the drain and the water in the tank rose and stopped at the appropriate level. Seeing that the job was a complete success the men let out a collective sigh of relief. They then congratulated each other on a job well done. "Okay..let’s put this room back like we found it. Roy you and Mike run the wet/dry vac and straighten this place out. Johnny you and Chet get the old toilet out of the hallway downstairs. Marco you and I need to make a beer run. We need to celebrate our victory."

Johnny’s eyes lit up as a light bulb went off in his head. He found the idea so amusing that he began to chuckle out loud. "Hey Chet. . .I’ve got the perfect place for it. Come on." he laughed as he elbowed Chet conspiratorially and headed out of the room. Marco and Captain Stanley staggered out of the room behind them and headed for the stairs as Mike and Roy began the arduous job of cleaning up the mess that the group had made.

"I don’t know when I’ve had a more relaxing day." Joanne DeSoto commented as she leaned back contently in the passenger’s seat of Linda’s car. "We have to do this more often."

"I agree. How ‘bout if we make it a ritual to do this the last weekend of every month?" Linda suggested as she pulled to a stop at a traffic light.

The women were returning from their all day excursion which consisted of spending all morning at the beach, shopping till they dropped at the local mall, eating dinner at a fancy restaurant, and pampering themselves at the beauty salon. Neither woman wanted the day to end and in an effort to extend the good time a little longer they joined the teenagers who cruised Hollywood and Vine every weekend. For both girls having the radio blasting and singing with all the rock and roll hits as they innocently flirted with any cute guy they saw was like taking a step back to their high school years when life was care free and uncomplicated. Around ten o’clock in the evening they decided that it was time to face reality and head home before the guys sent out a search party for them.

"So are you gonna show Johnny that new bikini you bought?" Joanne teased as she gave Linda a sly look.

"Maybe to torture him." Linda laughed. The light turned green and she started on her way again.

Joanne shook her head and laughed slightly. "Poor Johnny." she said with feigned sincerity in her tone. "You aren’t about to give that boy a break are you?"

"Good!" Joanne laughed. "It’s about time someone gave Don Juan a run for his money." Linda and Joanne glanced at each other and burst out laughing. They slapped each other high fives. Linda made a right turn onto a semi deserted tree lined street.

"When we get home my bathroom better still be standing or I’m gonna brain Don Juan" Linda stated matter of factly.

"Are you kidding?! With Johnny around you better hope your house is still standing." Joanne commented dryly.

"Oh he can’t be. . ." Linda stopped in mid sentence as she jammed on the breaks and stared out the windshield at her front yard in utter disbelief. "What in the. . .?"

Look out there and tell me what you see." Linda directed as she pointed out the windshield. Joanne followed her friend’s finger. The same stunned look clouded her face.

Sitting in the middle of the yard was the old toilet. In the tank there were some scraggly weeds and a large pin wheel daisy with two missing petals. The bowl contained one large garbage bag. Two other garbage bags were strategically placed around the base of the fixture.

Linda glanced over at the other woman with a relieved look on her face. "Okay. . . so I’m not crazy. You’re seeing it too."

Joanne nodded her head slowly. "Oh yeah. . .I’m seeing it alright. This is not a good sign." Both women sat in silence and just shook their heads in bewilderment. Linda eased off the break and eased into the driveway. At this point she was not sure if she should laugh or be worried. Laughter won out as she started to crack up. Soon Joanne was laughing along with her. By the time the car was parked in the garage both women were in hysterics.

All the alcohol consumption combined with the physical labor of the day finally took it’s toll on the men from Station 51. They each found a comfortable spot in the living room and promptly passed out before having a chance to clean the room. Linda and Joanne entered the house loaded down with packages and still laughing.

"Fellas we’re home!" Linda called out happily. "Fellas?" She looked at Joanne with concern. "I wonder where they’re at?"

"I don’t know." The girl’s dropped their packages in the hall and headed into the living room. They were shocked by the site that met them. Johnny was crashed on the couch with a magazine covering his face. Captain Stanley was laying face down on the floor in front of the couch, Roy was curled up on the love seat, while Marco sat slouched against the love seat with his head thrown back and Mike was laying spread eagle on his stomach in the middle of the floor. The room was littered with empty take out food boxes and cartons, beer cans, empty chip bowls, paper plates and paper towels. Potato chip crumbs and large kernels of pop corn covered the carpet. Linda and Joanne looked from the stuporous group to each other in complete shock.

"Oh I see that a lot of work got done while we were gone." Linda commented sarcastically. She made her way to the couch stepping over the bodies in her path. As she whipped the magazine off Johnny’s face a comical look crossed her face when she got a good look at the cover. "Oh I see they decided to do a little reading while they worked. How educational." She turned around and flashed the center fold of Miss June to her friend.

Linda studied the centerfold with a critical eye. "Give this girl a few good meals and she may actually have enough body fat to support those transplants." Linda tossed the magazine over her shoulder and glared down at the sleeping Johnny.

Joanne had gone over to the love seat and was studying Roy with the same annoyed glare. "Mine’s over hear drooling on your cushion. So how do you want to handle this?"

"Like this. . ." Linda smacked Johnny’s arm firmly with the back of her hand. "HEY!!! Sleeping Beauty wake up!!!" Johnny mumbled something unintelligible and rolled away from the source of the irritation. A sly smile slid across Linda’s face as she hauled off and whacked him a good one on his rear end. Johnny sat up as if he had been shot out of a cannon.

"What the. . .?!" he started as he tried to focus on his attacker. Meanwhile Joanne chose to annoy Roy by lightly running the tip of her finger across his neck and his face. Roy absently swatted at the annoyance. She kept it up until he finally opened his eyes.

"Linda! You’re home!" Johnny shouted joyously as he shakily stood up. "Hey guys get up they’re home!" he stated as he kicked the Captain’s feet. "Capt. . .come on. . .get up."

Roy sat up and stared at the angry looking woman in front of him with confusion as he tried to focus his eyes.

"Apparently not as much fun as yours." she stated coldly. Roy’s eyes darted around the room guiltily.

"Oh." was the only answer he could muster at this point. With Johnny’s help the rest of the crew was slowly beginning to become conscience again. Before she could stop him Johnny had Linda in a bear hug and was slobbering all over her as he tried to give her a passionate kiss.

"Johnny get off me will ya!" the young woman exclaimed as she tried to free herself from his arms.

"Honey I missed you so much!" he proclaimed as he continued to kiss and grope her.

"Johnny will you stop!" she ordered as she struggled to fight him off. Not being deterred the dark haired paramedic tried to give her a romantic kiss which ended up imitating a bad form of mouth to mouth resuscitation.

"Nobody." Joanne answered. The Captain rubbed the heels of his palms against his temples as he mentally tried to sort out exactly what was going on around him.

"Hi Joanne." Marco stated as he smiled a stupid grin and waved weakly. "Mike say "hi" to Joanne." Mike simply waved his hand as he fell against the wall for support.

Linda roughly pushed Johnny away from her and held him at arms length. She stared at him in an expression mixed with shock and disbelief. Johnny your drunk!" she stated incredulously. Johnny tried to flash his classic crooked grin, but all that his efforts amounted to was a stupid loopy smile.

"PHSAW!" he stated as he waved off the comment. "If I were drunk don’t you think I’d know it?"

Linda rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. "How many beers did you have?" she demanded to know.

"One teeny tiny little beer." he answered with a slight laugh as he held his thumb and forefinger a quarter of an inch a part. Linda glanced around the room at the mess and at the crocked firemen. Roy was struggling to stand up and Joanne had to assist him.

"They’re all plastered." Joanne stated matter of factly as she yanked her unsteady mate to his feet. Roy draped his arm around his wife’s shoulder for support and leaned his full weight against her. Linda looked back to Johnny and just shook her head.

"Hey! Keep the noise down why don’t cha!" Chet complained as he climbed out from behind the couch. Everyone looked at him in shock as he clawed his way out from behind the piece of furniture.

"How’d you get back there?" Marco asked. Chet just shook his head in confusion.

"I don’t know." the smaller fireman answered in a dazed tone as he collapsed over the back of the couch.

"Besides throwing yourselves a party what else did you boys do today?" Linda asked as she continued to hold Johnny at bay while he tried again to grab a hold of her.

"We went shopping." Roy informed her. Johnny’s face lit up with joy at the word shopping. He pulled away from Linda and ducked behind the couch. Linda watched with growing curiosity as he dug around for something. He returned a few moments later with the tool box which he proudly presented to the confused young woman.

Linda looked at the gray metal box with a comical expression on her face. She wanted to laugh, but seeing how excited Johnny was about his wonderful gift she decided it would be way too cruel. "Gee. . .thanks." she simply stated.

"We were gonna keep it for ourselves, but thought you could use it here. That way if you ever need us to do anymore work for you the tools’ll already be here." Roy informed her.

"That thing is loaded with Craftsman tools. They’re the best there is." Johnny stated excitedly and with great pride.

"I still like Stanley better." the Captain stated matter of factly. Linda and Joanne looked at each other in total confusion and just shrugged their shoulders.

Linda was afraid to ask the question that was burning in her mind, but she knew that soon or later she needed to know the answer. "So. . .what about my bathroom."

"Any problems?" Linda inquired curiously. The men all exchanged looks as Linda and Joanne stared at them questionably.

"No! No problems at all!" Chet answered reassuringly. "Everything went smooooooothly."

"You’ll be impressed with our work!" Johnny stated joyously as he led Linda toward the stairs. "Go on! Go see what we did! I picked the toilet out myself and I even got you another surprise too."

"If I tell you then it wouldn’t be a surprise." Johnny teased as he pushed the perplexed girl up the steps. Linda stopped and looked helplessly over the railing to Joanne.

"Yeah. . .go with her baby and see the great job we did." Roy stated as he looked at his wife and smiled proudly.

"I wouldn’t miss this for the world." Joanne said as she headed for the stairs. Roy was caught off guard by her sudden departure and he fell face down onto the floor. The two girls headed up the steps while the guys gathered at the bottom and waited with baited breath for the praise they believed would be forth coming.

"You know. . . we may have just created a monster." Captain Stanley observed dryly.

"What do you mean?" Roy asked in a confused tone as he stared blankly at his commander.

"Well. . .we did such a great job today now all our wives and girlfriends are gonna want us to do work for them." the Captain answered matter of factly. The men thought about his statement for a moment and let out a collective groan as the realization hit them all at once.

Meanwhile Linda stood outside the closed bathroom door with her hand on the knob. She looked at Joanne worridly. "Maybe you should look first."

Linda shot her friend a comical look. "You saw them down there. What do you think?"

Linda simply nodded her head weakly and turned her attention toward the door. She drew in a sharp breath as she slowly turned the knob. "Okay. Here it goes." She swung the door open. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes popped out of her head as she catatonically stared at the site in front of her. Joanne’s initial reaction was the same shocked look, but quickly morphed into one of amusement as she began to crack up hysterically. Soon the married woman was leaning against the wall doubled over in laughter and hyperventilating. Linda was still in shock as she continued to stare unblinkingly staring at the site that greeted her mentally hoping that she was hallucinating. Sitting in the corner of her country style bathroom with it’s white walls, antique blue trim and oak fixtures was a fluorescent pink toilet with a fuzzy leopard print toilet seat. The more she stared the more it began to click in her mind that the vision was not going away any time soon.

"JOHN RODERICK GAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she bellowed angrily at the top of her lungs as felt her blood pressure rising. Joanne tried offer her friend some morale support, but found herself unable to speak as the laughter continued to take over her body. Finally she gave up and just continued to laugh. The six men stumbled their way up the stairs. All their faces were a glow with proud smiles.

"So what do you think?" Johnny asked naively. Linda turned around and glared at Johnny angrily.

"WHAT DO I THINK?!!! WHAT DO I THINK?!!!!" Linda yelled angrily. "I"LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK!!!!" She paused as she turned to glance at the bathroom momentarily then turned her attention back to the group of confused men. "I THINK IT’S PINK!!!!!!. . .NO IT’S MORE THAN PINK. . .IT’S GLOW IN THE DARK PINK!!!!!!!"

"That’s a plus." Chet pointed out. "Now you won’t need to turn on the light at night if you need to use it." he concluded using typical male logic.

"IT DOESN’T EVEN FIT THE DECORE OF THE ROOM!!!! AND THAT SEAT…!!!!!! WHERE IS MY OLD SEAT?!!!!!"

"Oh. . .that. . .we tossed it." Captain Stanley informed her. "This one is much softer and nicer than that hard old thing."

Joanne left out a loud gasp as she tried to catch her breath. Roy glanced over at his wife with a confused look. "What’s wrong with her?" he asked in confusion.

"Nothing a paper bag won’t cure." Linda stated sarcastically as she shot her friend an annoyed look. "I’m glad you find this so entertaining." Joanne looked at Linda helplessly as she simply shrugged her shoulders and waved her hand in the air.

Linda poked her finger into Johnny’s chest and glared at him angrily. "Listen up and listen good!!! First you and your band of merry men are gonna clean up my living room, then tomorrow you’re gonna go back to SEARS and you’re gonna return that monstrosity for a plain white toilet. Do you hear me. . .WHITE!!!!! Not green, not yellow, not blue or any other color under the rainbow, but WHITE!!!! Plus you’re gonna dig my old toilet seat out of the garbage and you’re gonna put on the brand new WHITE toilet!!!" she stated hotly. "Do I make myself clear Mister?!"

"No "buts"! Did you hear what I said or do I have to write it down for you?"

"Yeah I heard you. . .all of LA county heard you. But. . ." He stopped when he saw the murderous look on the angry young woman’s face. "Clean up. . .white toilet. . .old seat. Got it." he concluded helplessly. . Linda noticed Chet raise his hand tentatively.

"I was just wondering. . .could I have the new toilet seat?" the mustached fireman asked meekly. All the men just shook their heads in disbelief while Linda rolled her eyes and groaned loudly. Roy grabbed the smaller fireman by the shoulders ,spun him around and shoved him toward the stairs.

"Come on Marlin Perkins. Let’s go." The six drunken men slowly made their way back down the stairs.

While the crew disappeared down the stairs mumbling and complaining Linda looked back at her bathroom again and winced. She was joined in the door way by Joanne who had finally gotten control of her laughing jag.

Linda shot her a comical look. "That’s an understatement if I ever heard one." She looked in the bathroom again and shook her head in disbelief. The more she thought about everything she had witnessed since walking back into her house the more she felt like she was in a bad situation comedy. Everything seemed so surreal and impossible, but there it was staring her in the face. Soon she found herself laughing along with Joanne. "Why me?" she choked out as she tried to catch her breath.

"Because sweetie you’re dating Johnny Gage." Joanne laughed as she draped her arm over her friend’s shoulders.

Linda thought back to her own family and all the times her mother had walked into situations just like this after her father had decided to do any kind of home repair. She realized that while she was living independently on her own surviving by female logic she totally forgot what it was like to have male logic enter in to the picture. "Men! You can’t live with em and you can’t kill em."

"Not unless you want to be an old maid the rest of your life." Joked the more experienced married woman. Linda closed the door to the bathroom and the two laughing girls headed for the stairs.